The biggest passenger ship in the whole wide world turned up in Southampton over the weekend. It was only when it parked next to familiar landmarks which I previously considered to be quite sizable that I realised what a big bastard it really was. Obviously I never had my camera with me – I only ever see A-list celebrities, unexplicable natural phenomenon and record-breaking feats of engineering when I have no means of recording their existence. The things I’ve seen!
Monday was ANOTHER Bank holiday – the reason for this one was ‘May Day’. When I was at school May Day was quite traumatic, as it involved maypole dancing. This is something I am predisposed to be rubbish at due to having no sense of rhythm, an inability to remember sequences of numbers under pressure and not wanting to look a dick in public. Still, every year my name was on the short list – even though I was pretty much guaranteed to drop my ribbon a third of the way through, resulting in being trampled by a dozen angry, plimsolled school kids; trapped like a fly in a spiders web. It is only fitting therefore that I am compensated for this childhood abuse by a day off work each year.
I am also keeping the jiffy-bag industry in business by selling off the contents of the spare bedroom. There’s things in there I haven’t seen since 1989 (transported from home to home – never unpacked)… I am hoping that at sometime in my past I purchased a Fabergé egg or something similar that I have no further use for, so I can give up the day job and live the life of luxury I know I was meant for.
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